Dictionary.com
defines spiritual as ‘of or pertaining to sacred things or matters; religious;
devotional; sacred.’ Trying to define and explain to someone what my own
personal spiritual beliefs are has proved to be a difficult task at best. I’ve
been considering what experiences in my life I would consider to be spiritual
as to what experiences I would categorize as an everyday average normal
experience. The most spiritual experience that I’ve ever had was not held in a
church, temple or even overseen by a religious figurehead of any denomination.
In this paper I’ll contrast the differences between spiritual experiences and
what I’ll call average experiences, we’ll explore how these beliefs came to be
held fast and part of my own personal belief system. Furthermore we’ll discover
some of my personal belief system that I have formed over the years, and lastly
the relationships of my spiritual experiences and how they affect my life on a
daily basis.
To
contrast what is a spiritual experience and what is an average experience
sounds fairly easy. For some it may be
but for me it’s not so simple. I get joy out of doing everyday normal things
such as laundry, dishes and even taking out the trash. Making sure that tasks
at work are completed in a timely and efficient manner also ring great
satisfaction. However, the religious experience that brought me to become
closer to life and made me see things in a different light then what I had
originally perceived them to be was my first epileptic grand mal seizure. While
this is an experience that I never want anyone else ever to have to go through,
I also hope that they in some respects come away with the same education that I
was granted by going through this incident. I was sitting down to a nice
leisurely brunch with my sister and mother at the local Hobees restaurant
across from De Anza College. My sister had ordered the hash browns while my
mother had asked for the Florentine scramble. When the waiter asked what I
wanted to have all I could sound out was something that sounded like a duck
being stepped on. I was petrified. I had no idea what was going on. My mind and
body were awake but I was trapped inside of them as they would not function
together. I could not make any other sounds other than that gasping croaking
sound that haunts me to this day. When I awoke I found myself surrounded by
EMTs and firemen trying to help me. Because I didn’t know that they were trying
to help me I became combative and started to run. I am a 6 foot 4 inch 350
pound man who very well could be playing for any professional football team and
take up a big portion of the offensive line if I wanted to. That however is not
my calling or my nature. I felt threatened when I had several men yelling at me
and ordering me around so while I had no shoes on I started to run and barreled
through them as if they weren’t even there. I passed out somewhere across the
street in a field by the local park. When I awoke this time I was already
strapped to a gurney and in the ambulance with my shoes placed haphazardly
beside me. What I learned from all of this is that while I may seem alone in
life most of the time there are those there who make it a life choice to help
others no matter what the cost. Even if a linebacker throws you aside they make
it their mission to help you as much as they can. They get right back up and
assist you in whatever means they need to. When one makes it their life goal to
help others not even having any knowledge of who they are of what they believe
they become a part of a greater good. The EMTs and firemen that helped me on
that day displayed to me the greater good that life has to offer. This was my
spiritual awakening and I’ve tried since then to also repay and display the
good that was offered to me in my time of need. So when I try to define what is
a spiritual defining moment in my life as opposed to what is an everyday
average experience I would have to say that it’s something that becomes
momentous and has life changing qualities. It makes one think on how they can
become part of something greater then themselves rather than living each day
simply to get to the next. What all this led to was that I became aware and
awoke from a slumber that I had been living under for so long. Doing dishes and
taking out the trash are average everyday tasks that one does for their own gratification
and personal gain. I learned that through the help I received this day that I
was part of a greater good and there was more to life than being solely
self-serving. These days, I make an effort to give to charity, help those that
need assistance and most importantly in my eyes, make time to simply listen to
others and make sure that they know that they are important.
My
personal belief system has never been one of a certain sect or denomination
that one would find in the normal searches when one looks for religious creeds.
When I was younger my parents did what they thought was the right thing to do
at the time and took my sister and I to church. We were also enrolled in a
private catholic school for some time. The words became repetitive but the
meaning behind the words never took hold. While the days passed and the years
flew by I never understood what being part of a greater good meant. I was
always aware of doing right by others and always strived to do so. Today I go
to the local Buddhist temple to seek spiritual awakening and soul soothing on a
semi weekly basis. I like going there. While some of the chants and the sermons
are in Japanese and I don’t understand what is being said what I do understand
fits me and my lifestyle. Religion was forced upon me as a child and it took
many years for me to seek it out and understand the benefits that understanding
and having what some would call faith can bring. I don’t agree with all the
teachings that are there but that’s ok. I understand that I am to accept what I
can take and examine what I need to in order to make sound choices. One particular
instance that sticks out in my mind is when I was looking at this current
temple as one that I might want to attend is when I emailed the reverend. I
emailed them asking what to expect and if I needed to wear any particular type
of clothing in order to attend. I didn’t want to look or feel foolish as this
would be my first time to temple. The pastor emailed me back with a simple yet
profound message. His words were ‘come as you are and participate in what you
want to. If what you see fits then we’ll welcome you back at anytime’. This was
exactly what I was looking for and the perfect response to my inquiry. I didn’t
want to change who I was but to find acceptance on my path to spiritual
guidance. When I shared this experience with a couple friends they were
rightfully inquisitive about my new found enjoyment. They wanted to both make
sure that I was doing something that was going to be good for me as well as
curious about what I was experiencing. I offered to one friend, John, who took
a particular interest in going to temple with me. We both had a nice time as
usual but it simply wasn’t for him and he hasn’t been back since. This is also
fine. My belief is solely mine and will be gladly shared with those who are
interested however it will never be pushed on others. When I was in that
catholic school or when my folks took me to church they pushed their beliefs on
me. While I am grateful for their efforts their beliefs simply didn’t fit me. I
am glad for their spirit and hope that they find the same life in their sermons
that I find in temple. From their efforts of trying to make me a catholic or
believe in the catholic faith, I learned that I did not appreciate this and
that I’d not do this to others until they asked. When I think about how this
comes into play on my daily life or how I make use of my belief system, I think
about my friends. I have some friends that are casual friends and others who
are closer deeper friends. The difference between the two is that with my deep
close friends I can have conversations about anything from spirituality,
sexuality, relationships and everything that touches the soul. With my casual
friends it’s usually limited to the latest movies or hit songs on the radio,
superficial topics are what we discuss. When I talk with my close friends I
find that the faith that I have formed comes into play quite a bit. I draw upon
what I have experienced in my life, my thoughts about being part of a greater
good and the true nature of what the issue we are discussing at the time happens
to be before giving advice. If I am taking advice from someone the advice is
also filtered through with the previous experiences as well as my spirituality
in order to make a sound decision.
We've
delved a bit into my personal belief system already; what it is and how it's
formed over time. I do consider myself a Buddhist and while I'm not very deep
into the Buddhist religion or practices I do like what I have seen and
discovered on my own. One of the four noble truths in the Buddhist faith is
that suffering is caused by desire and attachment. I have a lot of trouble with
this particular truth. I both believe and disbelieve it at the same time. I
believe that suffering can definitely be caused by desire and that suffering
can also be caused by attachment. There is no doubt in my mind that suffering
can be caused by both of these ways. The problem that I have with this is while
suffering can be caused by both desire and attachment, so can love. Another
truth states that suffering can be stopped. So if suffering and love are caused
by the same catalysts then am I to believe that in order to be a true Buddhist
I can no longer love anyone simply to stop the suffering? I can no longer love
anyone and no longer let anyone love me? I find this to be difficult to untangle
and I haven't yet found a way to do so. A loveless life is not necessarily one
that I'm sure I want to hold as one of my beliefs. This may be making a huge
jump but to me it makes sense. Just like in previous religious experiences and
teachings I've always been one to take what I can handle and what fits me and
make it mine. What doesn't fit me or doesn't make sense I can either dissect or
discard. As John Makransky writes, “Theravada Buddhists
have believed the cultural myths that depict their canons as perfect
conservators of the Buddha’s original words, critical investigations of modern
Buddhist studies shows such canons to be the product of centuries of
development and redaction, including the production of Abhidharma texts after
the Buddha’s time”.[i]
This seems to follow what I have been practicing however Jorn Borup also has a
well developed article on eastern religions in a western world. Jorn Borup
writes “Ethnic Buddhism is also about bringing up children with the
ideals of honoring ancestors and respecting the family in a highly
individualistic Western country. To affirm the Buddhist precepts is also a key
to affirming cultural and ethical codes of behaving well, of trying to - as
many have expressed it - "live a good life", and such an ideal can be
achieved without necessarily going to the temple[ii]”. While
these practices have helped me the modern ethnic Buddhist has and will continue
to develop over time, evolving and growing with each experience and teaching. The
main base of my faith is Buddhism but I still take bits and pieces of other
experiences that I have gone through in order to form the filter my life events
pass through.
The impact that the revelation and evolution of my
faith has had on me has been profound. The two most prominent and scary
examples I can think of to demonstrate how my faith has changed my outlook
occur when I was an adolescent. Being a very impressionable kid I spent a lot
of time with two people that were as misguided as I was. We were teenagers and
thought we were invincible and for the most part we were until we found others
that thought the same. The four of us soon became three as the murder of one of
our friends, Mark Berkey, took us all by surprise. Marks throat was cut open
and stabbed repeatedly while he begged for his life all so some kids could take
his car. Soon after Marks death we became full of hate. For the next couple
years the three of us, Mikey, Paul and myself, would disparage and degrade any
one for anything or anyone that we could. Some may say that this was normal
teenage behavior but it went far beyond that. It became racially charged anger
that we didn’t know what to do with. It didn’t matter what race just as long as
you were different that was enough. What was worse, was that we had testosterone
pumping through each of us. We had to be the dominant male or the one who would
go all out no matter what the cost just to prove to his friends that he was
better than they were. This was all happening just a bit before I had my first
seizure. When I had my seizure my life and attitudes changed as I saw that
others were not the monsters that we had encountered. Between the death of Mark
and the displaced anger I tried to deal with my faith has helped see me through
many difficult times in my life. As we discussed before one of the noble truths
reads that all suffering can end. When Marks suffering ended my misguided anger
the suffering started on its path to resolution. In my take on how this has
affected change in my life Mark helped start the process that eventually led to
my awakening. When I saw that others of all races and beliefs were willing at
the drop of a hat to help me without knowing anything about me this changed my
world dramatically. Instead of using racial slurs on a daily basis I became
more introspective and patient. I re-learned to accept others for who they are
not what I saw or preconceived notions. When I found the temple I again felt
the same soul opening that I felt that day. I still feel calm and soothed when
I walk through the doors each day.
We’ve talked about the differences between
spiritual and regular experiences, the evolution of how my beliefs came to be,
my personal belief system and how this has impacted my life. While the flawed
system of beliefs that I have formed are admittedly flawed they are mine and
they have served me well throughout the years. I can tell you is that while
each experience you have has the opportunity to be made into something special
and spiritual if you choose to be open to the change that it may bring with it.
Sometimes spiritual awakening is sought out, other times it’s forced upon
people. I happen to be one of those people where it was forced upon. Both my
experiences before and after my awakening have led me to who I am today. While
it’s not the perfect faith and it’s somewhat of an oxymoronic dogma, it fits my
life. Just like the noble truths that Buddhism teaches or some of the teachings
of Catholicism my own faith have flaws. While it has these flaws, it also has
great moments of satisfaction.
[i] John Makransky. .
"The Emergence of Buddhist Critical-Constructive Reflection in the Academy
as a Resource for Buddhist Communities and for the Contemporary
World. " Journal of Global Buddhism
9.(2008): 113A,113-153. ProQuest Religion. ProQuest.
Ignacio Library, San Francisco CA. 11 Mar.
2009 <http://0-www.proquest.com.ignacio.usfca.edu/>
[ii] Jørn Borup. .
"Buddhism in Denmark. " Journal of Global Buddhism
9.(2008): 27-37. ProQuest Religion. ProQuest. Ignacio Library, San Francisco CA. 11 Mar.
2009 <http://0-www.proquest.com.ignacio.usfca.edu/>
